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I'll Be The Tornado

by Dads

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(I'm looking at) pictures of myself smiling with people I don't talk to or even talk shit on anymore, I want to talk about them with you. I want to tell you about my past, I want to tell you about trips I took when I was running away or fist fights I got into that got me out of class. I want to tell you about everything, I wish you could've been there, I wish you could've saved me that summer I swore pictures of planes crashing into bridges was the only way to express how I felt, making broken seals in dissolvable stitches tracing new found veins into each tiny digit, and staring at screens, living life around a battery, "oh i'm sorry, I can't go out, I'm stuck inside, watching everything eventually go." But I'm happy because if you let me I will watch you die. I can’t take how easily the earth moves underneath my feet but i’m too restless to sleep, no I haven’t even rest in weeks. I’ve been trying to find myself in others similarities that I could see is this all real life, or is this just all bad TV? Why are we so afraid to watch the dead when they finally die? Is it because we see their opportunities pass them by? There’s a family in a cemetery, there’s a family in a home, If I can’t even afford a grave for myself than why am I so afraid of dying alone?
Have the decency to bury me if you’re going to kick me dead. This is uplifting instrumental music for people who need a good talking to; find something new to hate, find something else to fill your plate. Maybe you’d like me again if I went back to the bottle. Maybe you’d like me again if I went back to being miserable. We could be unhappy together, we could be drunk together, we could be punk together, we could be friends again. Just when you think you’ve dusted off your ghosts, new ones form to take their place. Well I’m old enough to know I’ve never been much of a fan of the aftertaste. You are a bunch of metaphors and similes (in someways) tucked away in passive aggressive failed poetry, but you don’t deserve a second of bad mouthing, you don’t deserve even a crow call to your name. I’ll leave your tongue for the coasts. I’ll leave your words for the toasts. Enemies come and enemies go, some burn dull enough just to fade away. I can’t wait to see you fade away. Just when you think you’ve dusted off the ghosts, new ones form to take their place. Well I’m old enough to know I’ve never been much a fan of the aftertaste. I wanna see you hate who you were, I wanna see you hate yourself for what you’ve done. Your mother was right you are the bastard type and I won’t fuel the fire that keeps you warm. You’ve given me more than a chip on my shoulder, I’ve got enough anger to fight this whole war. If you want to be missed you can’t live like this get out while you can, I’ll call when I care. Just when you think you’ve dusted off the ghosts, new ones form to take their place. Well I’m old enough to know I’ve never been much a fan of the aftertaste. There are people that will make you bitter, angry, entirely for the rest of your life, and there are people that will willingly warm your cold bones so you can finally sleep a night. I need something new to obsess over I need something new to obsess over
(you are) My fibonnaci sequence, my golden ratio, my "nightswimming" piano piece, my white tulip covered in winter snow. You make me feel so tall. You make me feel so adult, like I could conquer everything, or maybe just anything at all. I remember sunsets in cities that I’ve never lived in but god damn, those days, we were living it. You are more to this than skin and familiarity, you are the ease of relief, you are the sought out ring of clarity. I saw: the crevasses of the moon’s craters (I’ve loved in the distance of layers) The earth I used to consider steep Now I push my boulder up to earn my keep. I need the waves of the romantic ocean, the fucking crest of the romantic ocean, your whisper welcome my ship along, to feel like I could be depended on. Like I could be depended on.
Fake Knees 04:35
The tiniest gap in between your two front teeth and your fake knees whistling through the pain to accomodate a kid who doesn't have the time of day and one who has to keep moving away. What can I say? I'm purposely putting life in the way. Thank you for your gently worn shirts we slept with underneath our nose. I'm on a red eye crying about a bunch of fucking clothes. How much time did I waste on people who eventually left? While you were always there waiting, with your coffee breath, with your shitty eyes, and your deep chest, and your cracked skin hands that held the best, you always knew the rest, you know the rest. I'm waiting for you to get better, even if it means nights spent in the outpatient center.
*Sold Year* It takes a lot of courage to start saying you're sorry when you're like the wife of the whole fucking army yeah we all have memories yeah we all have enemies you wanna hang christmas lights in the summer an excuse to pass time with one another you're moving away on memories you're moving away from enemies we keep loyalty alive we keep grudges until we die you'll be making new memories you'll be making new enemies Have you ever seen a soldier smile? I’d never last a mile with all the weight that they wear all the while. *Transitions* I won't bury my dead, I choose to trample the bodies. the mistakes I've made, they teach me to be sorry. Too quick to make a choice, never thought out what I was thinking, Now I listen to more than one voice, I pay attention to the whole choir singing.
Have I lost it, have I lost it or have I just bought in to the bullshit the mirrors the smoke I traced back to the faucet leaking into the sink covered in hair. oh I see what you did there you cut off your cares, god it’s so freeing, time isn’t fleeting. It’s pause and politeness, it’s judge and be triteness. Your sensitivity and sex, your rules and respect, I haven’t seen you follow any of it since two god damn years ago, you got bored, you got tired, you gave up on filing who pissed you off and who won you over. This is a fashion, this is a formula, this is contrasting colors in october, you can’t go against the grain if there’s no natural wood. My friends all think i’m crying wolf. You got caught up in the concept and oh that’s never good. (I want to be happy, but i’m better when I’m mad) So we make our own monuments out of our favorite bridges and buildings. The old ones were boring, they didn’t mean anything to us. I know it seems so immature, all these questions I want answers for, but I can’t put faith into anything I can’t physically touch. I want to be happy but I’m holding myself back but a love handles and it holds back.
But 03:52
But I wish you never had to settle for a cold phone, instead of a warm wake up tone. But I wish you never had to settle for an annoying necessity, instead of a comforting chest cavity. I wanna be a part of your inside jokes, I wanna know about each pill you take and where deep in your in body it goes. What diseases do you think you have? How bad it gets when you said "Oh, it's gonna get bad." What tragedies you've faced, and to know when this place finally burns down they won't find our bodies in the waste, and I wish you never had to settle for a bed too big, instead of stories of shit you got into way back, back when you were a kid. Well I'm no longer looking for a filler, a random body to hold, I'm done stopping time I'm finally ready to get old. And I know I'm nervous, and I'm feeling anxious, but I'm coming back to you, I'm done looking for some spaceship. And when I get there it'll be a storm; I'll be the tornado that keeps you warm.
This is my personal desert, this is my personal slum, I’ve become the person that I always hated the enemy I was running from. I wanted the sun to warm my skin, but I wanted to hide from everything. I made my life into a competition, where’s my trophy mantle, you sent me clippings to an article I couldn’t begin to handle. I wanted the sun to warm my skin, but I wanted to hide from everything. What’s a lag without the jet, put my fucking fantasies to rest, I flew everywhere just to find something I can’t forget. For a minute I lost sight of it, not just the light of it but the whole full frame picture. Passed out when I’d stand up, can't see what my hands touch, fall back down to a thud. I won’t stop until I can see my bones. (I won't stop until I can see my bones) No matter how long I hold my breath I’ve got to exhale just to let out the old. I wanted the sun to warm my skin, but I wanted to hide from everything.
You made footprints on mountains, you made a change in an old dirt. We showed each other what we're good at, we taught each other self worth. We yelled so loudly that we hurt each other's ears and that summer we all made a pact to face our fears. And that night I met your dad and your older brother and I wish I could've been there to have met your mother, and I wish you could've been here to have met my father when he wasn't always in pain or some doctor's new project. It's just everything is always a countdown. let's take time away. Lately I've been worried I've been spending my life only living part of it. I've been spending so much time in the future I forgot about the present. I wanna go back to when I was young and throwing rocks into ponds I didn't own, I wanna go back to your baby powder feet and your sweaty sweaty summer clothes. If everything is always a countdown then I wanna take time away. Am I moving way too fast now? Or am I trailing at a snail's pace? I heard my favorite song but I couldn’t stand the sound. I've been running under thunder storms just waiting for it to rain down. Its your worn bed sheets, its your warm pillow, I want to forever follow, tell me where does your shadow go? If everything is always a countdown I want to take back today.
Only You 07:20
Well, I haven’t been practicing what I preach. Well, I haven’t been practicing much of anything anymore. I tried to live a clean life, lean towards health and making you proud, but I became too focused on another lingering rain cloud. I forgot what sunlight felt like, I almost grabbed for the dirt I kicked away. I wanted to throw it in my own eyes until I forgot the sight of how our bodies used to lay. You only you can change yourself, but lord knows you were a big fucking help. It’s hard to find yourself when you’re more drunk than you're sober when every thought you’ve ever thought is gone before the night is over. You made me a liar in my joyful youth. You sparked a fire seen from a mountaintop view, I’m on the ground, I’m still burning for you. And I’m still learning from you only you.


Full album download includes bonus track "Do You Still Think of Me?"

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released October 14, 2014

Recorded by Neil Strauch at MinBal Studio in Chicago, IL
Mastered by Carl Saff

Cover Photograph by Katie Krulock
Design by SPR / The New Language


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Dads Piscataway Township, New Jersey

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